I'm drinking coffee this morning for the first time in a year and a half. After a sunny morning turned dreary in a dark office with most employees out for the day, I passed by a co-worker and the aroma of his warm cup of coffee (from one of my ex-favorite coffee places, no less) sent me over the edge. I limited myself to a small decaf, but still.
I'm afraid that it will make me sick. But I'm also afraid that it won't... even though I don't think I'll ever drink it regularly again.
Oh, coffee. Hate love. Love hate.
31 March 2006
30 March 2006
It's freedom time, my bitches
I made a decision today to go off birth control. And not because I want to get knocked up. Oh hells no.
The first birth control I ever tried was Depo Provera, more commonly known as "the shot." I had a pretty serious episode of heart problems about a year after starting it, and though I believe that to be directly related to an allergic reaction to an antibiotic I was on, who knows if Depo may have had something to do with it. My acupuncturist was rather appalled at the idea of my not having a period while on it and seemed to be pretty convinced that it was causing issues with my blood (i.e. fucking up my qi). She saved my ass during the heart episode, so I trust her opinion, and started thinking about alternatives.
I got off Depo about 6 months later and started using Nuva Ring. The Ring seemed like a pretty excellent option other than the fact that you keep a piece of plastic in your deal for three weeks at a time. It's been working just fine, except I've gained 15 pounds in the year I've been using it.
Until this morning, I had completely resigned this to the fact that I've always had to watch what I eat and have never been a skinny girl. I assumed that my eating habits had worsened, that I wasn't getting enough exercise, that it was completely my fault. This assumption has made me depressed, however, because while I do enjoy things like pizza and chocolate, it's not like I'm eating McDonald's for dinner everyday (or at all). I am vegetarian, so I do eat a lot of carbohydrates but I try to stick to whole wheats and low fat foods for most meals. I had started to think there was no hope - that I would either eat normally and feel fat or go on a harsh diet for the rest of my life in order to maintain a healthy weight. The extra weight doesn't only make me uncomfortable on "fat days" - it makes me feel uncomfortable ALL THE TIME. I feel completely out of shape despite the fact that I exercise. I try to make it to the gym at least a few times a week and at my new job, when the weather's nice, I've started taking 3 mile walks on my lunch break.
A friend of mine - a naturally petite girl - is on the Ring as well. She recently brought up a discussion in her journal about the idea of going off birth control - something I'd been thinking about for quite a while as well. We compared notes and she - a girl who has always eaten whatever she damn well pleased and maintained a small figure - has in fact gained 10 pounds in the 9 months she's been using the Ring. HMMM.
So as of now, I'm done. Body cleansing time.
The first birth control I ever tried was Depo Provera, more commonly known as "the shot." I had a pretty serious episode of heart problems about a year after starting it, and though I believe that to be directly related to an allergic reaction to an antibiotic I was on, who knows if Depo may have had something to do with it. My acupuncturist was rather appalled at the idea of my not having a period while on it and seemed to be pretty convinced that it was causing issues with my blood (i.e. fucking up my qi). She saved my ass during the heart episode, so I trust her opinion, and started thinking about alternatives.
I got off Depo about 6 months later and started using Nuva Ring. The Ring seemed like a pretty excellent option other than the fact that you keep a piece of plastic in your deal for three weeks at a time. It's been working just fine, except I've gained 15 pounds in the year I've been using it.
Until this morning, I had completely resigned this to the fact that I've always had to watch what I eat and have never been a skinny girl. I assumed that my eating habits had worsened, that I wasn't getting enough exercise, that it was completely my fault. This assumption has made me depressed, however, because while I do enjoy things like pizza and chocolate, it's not like I'm eating McDonald's for dinner everyday (or at all). I am vegetarian, so I do eat a lot of carbohydrates but I try to stick to whole wheats and low fat foods for most meals. I had started to think there was no hope - that I would either eat normally and feel fat or go on a harsh diet for the rest of my life in order to maintain a healthy weight. The extra weight doesn't only make me uncomfortable on "fat days" - it makes me feel uncomfortable ALL THE TIME. I feel completely out of shape despite the fact that I exercise. I try to make it to the gym at least a few times a week and at my new job, when the weather's nice, I've started taking 3 mile walks on my lunch break.
A friend of mine - a naturally petite girl - is on the Ring as well. She recently brought up a discussion in her journal about the idea of going off birth control - something I'd been thinking about for quite a while as well. We compared notes and she - a girl who has always eaten whatever she damn well pleased and maintained a small figure - has in fact gained 10 pounds in the 9 months she's been using the Ring. HMMM.
So as of now, I'm done. Body cleansing time.
20 March 2006
What will still be mine
Only two weeks in and so far I can say that the situation isn't a bad one. It's a good job for good pay and it will do just fine in serving its purpose of employment.
But I'm new to this and even though I do feel like I was hired for reasons that are much better than any job I've ever had before, I'm having to learn that being the new kid can take a lot of adjustment time in which you are asked for your ideas and you reply enthusiastically and to the best of your ability and then you watch those ideas get whittled down until they fit right into an already pre-defined space in which people are comfortable. Part of me is happy simply to be asked for my opinion.
It's really not a bad job. In fact, I like it. But I know and I've always known that working 5 days a week in a cubicle environment is not and will never be what I want for myself. Even if I think I want it, I don't really. What I really want is the good pay and job stability and health insurance.
But what I need for myself is to photograph for a living. Even if I end up not living well by capitalist standards, all I really want is to live well by my own quality of life standards. But then, most of all that means not working retail if I can help it. So an office job? It's totally fine and better than fine. For now.
But I'm new to this and even though I do feel like I was hired for reasons that are much better than any job I've ever had before, I'm having to learn that being the new kid can take a lot of adjustment time in which you are asked for your ideas and you reply enthusiastically and to the best of your ability and then you watch those ideas get whittled down until they fit right into an already pre-defined space in which people are comfortable. Part of me is happy simply to be asked for my opinion.
It's really not a bad job. In fact, I like it. But I know and I've always known that working 5 days a week in a cubicle environment is not and will never be what I want for myself. Even if I think I want it, I don't really. What I really want is the good pay and job stability and health insurance.
But what I need for myself is to photograph for a living. Even if I end up not living well by capitalist standards, all I really want is to live well by my own quality of life standards. But then, most of all that means not working retail if I can help it. So an office job? It's totally fine and better than fine. For now.
16 March 2006
Wet cookie
Tonight as we were cleaning the kitchen, Jason and I finally broke open our fortune cookies from the Chinese food we ordered on, like, Monday.
We didn't eat the cookies because they were strangely not dry and in fact, disturbingly pliable and moist despite having been sitting in a wax paper bag for several days. But the point is, I got not one but two fortunes in mine. I don't know what that means, but it's gotta be something good:
"A man's best possession is a sympathetic wife."
"You are careful and systematic in your business arrangements."
...in bed. Do you think this means I should get a Russian mail order bride?
We didn't eat the cookies because they were strangely not dry and in fact, disturbingly pliable and moist despite having been sitting in a wax paper bag for several days. But the point is, I got not one but two fortunes in mine. I don't know what that means, but it's gotta be something good:
"A man's best possession is a sympathetic wife."
"You are careful and systematic in your business arrangements."
...in bed. Do you think this means I should get a Russian mail order bride?
15 March 2006
13 March 2006
Blogger on the run
Okay, but seriously. Let's see what happens when my extended family and the bossman at my latest place of employment are NOT reading my blog. It may take a little time for me to get used to this.
I could describe to you how I felt the last time I ate a pot cupcake.
Or tell you that I'm trying to move to New Zealand this year, hopefully in about 6 months.
My favorite beers are Chimay and Newcastle and at the ripe old age of 24 I am finally increasingly enjoying the act of getting drunk, though typically that involves fruity girl drinks or concoctions involving Kahlua and soymilk rather than beer. I read some of that awful celebrity gossip just about everyday despite the fact that it makes me ill. I haven't touched a camera with the intent to take real photo since I graduated from art school, but I am starting to get the itch again. I've been a vegetarian for three years but about a month ago I took two bites of a tuna fish sandwich - though to be fair I thought it was egg salad and even after realizing it was in fact tuna, it didn't so much as smell like fish which was disgusting in itself. I am afraid that my new job is going to turn me into an office zombie and I'm scared of getting sucked into the 9 to 5 financial stability humdrum. It's not what I want for myself, but credit card debt and working three part-time jobs that get me absolutely nowhere is also not what I want for myself. What I want for myself is to travel and photograph and be independently wealthy, or at least have enough money to not ever have to think about it because I fucking hate stressing over money. I battled depression as a teenager but I could write, and it wasn't shitty teenage poetry, but now that I am a well-adjusted adult I can no longer write for shit and at times I miss it terribly. I'm tired of putting on a clean face for my blog as not to worry my mother or give a bad impression to a prospective employer who might be bright enough to Google my first and last name. And while the things I've told you so far are hardly scandalous, the fact is they have not been said and that is just retarded. So I'm starting new and seeing what happens with this little slightly more anonymous experiment.
I mean, I could totally tell you how many orgasms I got for my birthday.
But I won't. I'm not used to this.
I could describe to you how I felt the last time I ate a pot cupcake.
Or tell you that I'm trying to move to New Zealand this year, hopefully in about 6 months.
My favorite beers are Chimay and Newcastle and at the ripe old age of 24 I am finally increasingly enjoying the act of getting drunk, though typically that involves fruity girl drinks or concoctions involving Kahlua and soymilk rather than beer. I read some of that awful celebrity gossip just about everyday despite the fact that it makes me ill. I haven't touched a camera with the intent to take real photo since I graduated from art school, but I am starting to get the itch again. I've been a vegetarian for three years but about a month ago I took two bites of a tuna fish sandwich - though to be fair I thought it was egg salad and even after realizing it was in fact tuna, it didn't so much as smell like fish which was disgusting in itself. I am afraid that my new job is going to turn me into an office zombie and I'm scared of getting sucked into the 9 to 5 financial stability humdrum. It's not what I want for myself, but credit card debt and working three part-time jobs that get me absolutely nowhere is also not what I want for myself. What I want for myself is to travel and photograph and be independently wealthy, or at least have enough money to not ever have to think about it because I fucking hate stressing over money. I battled depression as a teenager but I could write, and it wasn't shitty teenage poetry, but now that I am a well-adjusted adult I can no longer write for shit and at times I miss it terribly. I'm tired of putting on a clean face for my blog as not to worry my mother or give a bad impression to a prospective employer who might be bright enough to Google my first and last name. And while the things I've told you so far are hardly scandalous, the fact is they have not been said and that is just retarded. So I'm starting new and seeing what happens with this little slightly more anonymous experiment.
I mean, I could totally tell you how many orgasms I got for my birthday.
But I won't. I'm not used to this.
12 March 2006
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